So, I’ve been absent for like… Forever, from tumblr. Why? Well… here’s the thing:
I went through a really difficult time in my life… a chain of really heavy events, one after another, left me totally beat up.
I feel quite better now… even if this has been a really difficult year (yes, this started about a year ago). And life seems a little bit brighter. I’ve been trying to make amends with a lot of people I think I harmed with my attitude during that time; but even if I still have some people I should try to talk to, I think I should focus a little bit on making amends with myself. And that’s why I’m writing the following. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt that if I wrote all of it, I could finally let go of some of the sad feelings that, even if they didn’t feel as painful as before, were still there, hidden, ready to try to pull me back down.
When it started, when that series of events began to unravel, it was awful. I slept, but couldn’t rest, I couldn’t think clearly; everything reminded me of the “failure” I felt I was. I practically had to force me to eat, after a couple of days I “didn’t felt like eating”. I was depressed, and felt a lot of anxiety too; felt like I was losing everything, and with that attitude, I was actually doing it. I made a lot of mistakes, trying to “fix things”, trying to “get back all that I lost”, I ended up just making things worse.
I felt like I was falling into an abyss…
Somebody pushed me, because she had to; and I’m actually really grateful for that. I needed that, I needed to wake up, to start moving; to stop sinking slowly, clinging to the past, not letting go of that memories that would eventually start to fade… and by the time they disappeared, I would truly had nothing left.
It wasn’t until my best friend talked to me, about how everyone was worried about me, that I opened up; I bursted into tears in front of him (which I never did before in my life, at least, not about my own problems). And that really helped me. I started to think in what was next. A while after that, I was doing stuff… silly stuff… small stuff… really insignificant stuff… but it was my stuff. And it is there in my computer, as experience, as proof that I don’t want to sit still, to rot away, to make the same mistakes I made before. And I know it doesn’t get better that easily, from now on, life is foggy; even if I have a new job, and new plans, I know I must be ready to change directions at a moment’s notice, that’s why I’m doing the silly things I’m doing, to discover what I can do, even if it’s not that impressive, or really good, or the most original stuff… I want to find what I’m really capable of.
And that’s pretty much the most crucial stuff that I wanted to externalize, for now. There is still a lot that I could write, but this is not the time, yet.
So, if there is someone else reading this… believe me, “It sucks” doesn’t even start to describe how awful things can get. And I know that probably you have it worse than I had, and that I will probably never “get it”. But believe me, this random stranger on the Internet tries to, and even if we never met; and I will never hear your full story, I’m wishing you the best, and I will constantly pray so that the universe may give you a little break, and some breathing room, so you can realize your potential, so you can be what you want to be, what you can be. Even if I don’t make it, I’ll pray that you can. So, take care of yourself, and thanks.